Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Skanky Zebras

Okay, so Zebra crossings, one of my many hates in life. I mean, if they were used properly then it would be fine. It's one of the only places that a pedestrian is given right of way and yet yesterday when I was half way across one, a car, a van and two cyclists saw fit to almost knock me down and they had absolutely no intention of stopping. Now Taxi's I understand, because, let's face it, they don't follow any rules of the road, and even posh gits in their Audi's and BMW's, I can almost let off, because they probably wouldn't even notice the commoner trying to cross the road on her own two legs. Do people still do that? Walking? Oh how 18th century.

But come on, a little work van and two cyclists. Urgh! Cyclists really drive me round the bend. They're always complaining about how they are treated on the road, but it's the pedestrians who are lowest on the food chain. Cyclists on one hand like to pretend that they're as low as a pedestrian when dealing with cars and buses. But as soon as it comes down to them and a pedestrian, they're gonna take that pedestrian down! Evil wheeled monsters.

I think there should be a compulsory retake of all road safety tests and that people shouldn't be allowed on a bike unless they redo their cycling proficiency. I did mine when I was ten, I think, but most of the people that ride a bike in London, will never have done it. Definitely something to think about.
God, I sound like a right grumpy old fart, but to be fair, it ain't just me. The crossing I'm talking about near Croram's Field is overrun with children due to its proximity to the park and local nurseries, and I've seen cars not even stopping for mums with buggies and allsorts. They should definitely think about a hidden camera on there. Or maybe I should rig up my own. Ha ha. Super spy Helen to the rescue!

Okay, enough about Zebra crossings. Another thing that is grating on me, big time, is the fact that some of our skanky neighbours think it's acceptable to dump their bin bags outside of the bin store. Now you must bear in mind that the lock on one of the doors is broken, so they only have a a little catch on it, that you can open without a key. Simple huh? No! Instead of the twenty seconds, or less that it takes to open the door and throw your rubbish in the bin, they leave it outside and then some other person - quite often me, because it really riles me up - ends up putting it away for them. I own my flat and it means a lot to me, but some of those skanks, just don't give a shit because they only rent and they're lazy bastards and they were put on this Earth to piss me right off!

I mean, I'm not exactly a clean freak myself. At times I'm a scruffy bitch, but within the confines of my own home. I would never subject anyone else to my slobbish ways, so I don't expect to be subjected to others. Urgh! It makes me really mad! Because as well as making our flats look skanky, there's also the added risk of attracting rats. NOT my favourite animal in the world.

So to summarise, learn how to ride a bike, drive a car, and try not to knock down any pedestrians! And, put your rubbish in the God damn bin!

Thank you

Monday, May 30, 2011

Annoying American remakes.

So, I've just seen a trailer for the, "Feel bad movie of Christmas." 2011. And guess what it is? An American remake of the first in the best selling Millennium Trilogy, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Now, this makes me extremely angry. Why do the Americans have to do this, all the time? They do it with Asian horror and it's never as good. They did it with another Swedish awesome film, Let the right one in and now they're doing it with this. I mean, why? Have you seen the films? The cast is superb! And to be fair, they even did a dubbed version in English anyway. We always watched the Swedish with subtitles, as I love to hear the language and sounds. You get much more of a feel for the country in which its set and how the characters feel. But you know, they still very helpfully provided a dubbed English version. So what is the problem?

Why do we need America to come and make some ridiculously high budget, action version, where the characters become a dumbed down, caricature of themselves and its just never gonna be as good. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!

America, sometimes Europe does things better, or Asia and they should be left alone. Just watch things with subtitles. It's not difficult, it's simply a case of reading and it's great because you get both languages and it really puts you in the situation of the characters. At least that's what I think anyway.

Well, now I've got that off my chest, I'll return to writing scenes from Book 3 of one of my proposed series for young adults.

I am boycotting this American re-make. Who will boycott with me?


Saturday, May 28, 2011

Fucking cat hugs another fucking cat.....big deal.

So. Seriously. I have seen tweets and facebook updates about this bloody cat hugging its baby, and seriously what? People are actually crooning over a cat and a kitten cuddling. Argh! Big deal! I'm sure cats do it all the time to their babies, why is this one anymore special, and really, big deal!

The end

Can we have a dessert menu?

Well, thank God that week is over. I was running out of fake smiles. People just don't get that although I work with kids and I love my kids, I don't always love parents, politics and paperwork. The three P's of childcare. I force myself to smile but I'm dying a little inside everyday. (Wow, this afternoon vino is working the depressing side of my brain, clearly. ) But really, two of my older children having toileting incidents at 5.45 on a Friday. Are you kidding me? A number one and a number two. I just don't need that kinda shit.....ha ha.
Luckily my train was on time though, for the first time this year, which was great and I managed to get a lot of writing done too. So am up north for the weekend, breathing in that lovely northern air.

I just had a lovely meal with one of my oldest and dearest friends C and we had a wonderful chin wag. I do love coming up north. Everything is cheaper, the people are friendlier and there's a certain sense of nostalgia. Though every time I come, which granted is only once a month at the moment, something has changed. The Clinic has been knocked down, completely demolished. The Halifax has disappeared and with it the cash machine. And in place is yet another dress shop. How many people need posh dresses in Standish. I mean, I know it's the posh part of Wigan, but please. Anyone would think it's like Newport in the OC, black tie functions every week. Hmmmmm. I have recently been revisiting my teenage past, with yet another guilty pleasure and watching season one of the OC. I'd forgotten how hot Benjamin Mckensie was. And the sexual tension is incredible. Brooding men and sexual tension. Ahhhhhhhh, heaven! I have so many guilty pleasures, I'm not sure I'm even guilty about them. In fact I know I'm just not guilty.

As usual, I digress.......

We had a lovely meal but oh dear, the desserts. We were both pondering our choices and I had it wittled down to two, Raspberry mousse or Forest fruit cheese cake. He came for our order and I went with the mousse. He walked off....this wasn't looking good. A shake of the head. Damn! They don't have any.. Okay then, cheesecake it is. Another shake of the head. You've got to be freakin' kidding me. Do you have anything on the menu? Was there any point in bringing us the menu? So, as I didn't fancy anything chocolatey I had to go with the English classic Apple Pie, which granted was very nice, but just think if this is the state of the desserts in the afternoon then there are gonna be some unhappy women later on.

Apologies, I feel this blog had no particular direction. I will try better next time. To be fair, I'll proabably be ranting about the NHS next as I'm going to visit my Gran again later and now she has like two hospital superbugs and half the staff don't know her meds or that she can't weight bear and they are basically useless.
So, at least you have that to look forward to.

Have a good Saturday

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Yesterday, Blood Gelato and Bingo Wings.

Yesterday I had such a bad day and was in such a grump that I figured I'd better save my rant for today, otherwise it would have probably turned into an episode of The Osbornes, being bleeped out every two words. Plus we received the first disc of True Blood season 3 from Love Film, and that kinda won over ranting to you guys. Sorry, but hot vampires will always win for me. Eric.......He just gets hotter with every season! YUM! And let's not forget Mr Bill Compton.....mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Anyway, enough dribbling into my cereal. Yesterday! Argh! I had to go and pick up some files before work from Camden Early Years. Should have been easy, but no. I had to wait about 15 minutes for a tube as they were coming frequently but were all the wrong branch, so when I finally got to the building I was supposed to pick them up from, I was already destined to be late for work. And anyone that knows me, knows how I hate to be late!

But then, I get to the reception desk, tell them who I am and what I'm there for, and they were just like the thickest people ever! "What is it you want? Who are you? What colour is the sky?" Mongs. So then I told them the guy I was supposed to ask for and they were like, he's not on the system, we don't know who he is. Blah blah blah. They passed me on the phone to like three different departments, who all denied knowledge of this guy. I even told them that it was an Irish spelling of the name, so it wouldn't be spelt exactly as I said it and I had the surname, but no, they obviously just employ retards there! (Apologies for the slightly un-pc term, but it was necessary.)

Then, as it is now 10 minutes before I'm supposed to be at work and I don't even have the files, I start getting even more pissed off and I actually had a go at the woman on the phone. I know, me who hates confrontation. But I couldn't help myself. I'd already had a really rude phonecall from them the day before, saying how we had to come and pick these files up and they'd had them for a month or something. So quite frankly, they met the Helen wrath!

They still couldn't find the guy I was looking for, so I basically gave up and was about to ring my manager, when low and behold they say, oh is it this guy your looking for? And I was like, yeah you dumn ass, that's what I freakin' said about ten times, you fuckin' numb nuts! Argh! Sorry, am clearly still annoyed about it now. And breathe! So, I got into work thirty minutes late after having to carry a heavy box in my arms for a good thirty minute walk. I didn't think I could have handled the tube again. There was enough anger in me, without adding tropical temperatures, being underground and the general public. He he. I was so annoyed when I got in, that I went to rant to my manager and then of course my kids decided they're gonna piss me off all day too. Needless to say, I wasn't the easiest person to work with yesterday.

Ah well, hopefully today will be better. I started off with a work out, though my arms were killing me from lugging that box around yesterday. Maybe that'll help me get rid of the bingo wings. Though you don't wanna go too far and end up with Madonna arms. That's never good. She's a scary bitch and I wish she would stop parading around her crotch. You're the same age as my mother Madge, just give it up already! No one wants to see 55 year old crotch. Put it away! Oh, and learn to sing while you're at it. Ooooops, wasn't meant to go into Madonna ranting mode. Well, i'd better not go into Katie Melua mode either, otherwise I'll be having another bad day.

So, it's Wednesday, middle of the week and it's sunny. It could be a better day.

Happy Wednesday.


Sunday, May 22, 2011

It's a bit s**t.

Well, I survived the hen do. I'm not sure Bristol quite knew what hit 'em last night. But we were very good girls and mostly able to function this morning. A huge mwah to everyone that went and I think we'll leave it there. What happens in Bristol, stays in Bristol.....or presumably turns up on facebook in half an hour or so.

So on my train home, my brain did that irritating thing where it conjures up a new book idea, with a really vivid opening sequence that played out in my head and two really strong characters. So I'm currently working on three ideas at the same time. Madness! At least you can't say I have writers block.

Another thing on my train that really made me laugh, was the fact that one of the carriages was deemed the "entertainment" carriage and had little screens for each seat to watch films, tv, listen to radio, etc. I thought, what a good idea. Of course, no one was actually using it because, of course, you had to pay. Would it be so hard for it to become included in your ticket? The train was rammed. I'd paid £28 for that journey. There were 82 seats in that carriage, all taken and no one was using the damn things, which presumably have cost the train line quite a lot of money. I understand that money makes the world go around and all that jazz, but seriously. Stupid arses!

I have a question for you? Why do people think when you're out and about, (loosely translated getting pissed in some cheesy club and dancing like a maniac) that they can just walk past and take your stuff? Last night someone grabbed my glasses off my face and walked off with them. My beautiful, vintage 1950's glasses.
Oh God, they never saw it coming, the wrath of the angry Helen beast. I grabbed hold of him, turned him around and started shouting, "GIVE ME MY GLASSES BACK! THEY ARE VERY EXPENSIVE AND VINTAGE!" I then gave him one of the looks only my children normally get to see, when they tick me off and he recoiled. I yanked them out of his hand and and left him with an evil look, just to haunt him before bed time. Ha ha. But really, why do people do that?

Apologies that the quantity and quality of this blog is considerably lacking, but I'm not quite firing on all cylinders. There's definitely a few dregs of cocktails swimming in my system, but I can't complain. Awesome night and just over six weeks to the big day and my third outing as a bridesmaid.

Enjoy the dying embers of your weekend........

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The returning podge!

Sorry for the brief absence, my head has been consumed with a new book idea, which is exciting and draining and completely taking me over. Whilst that is nice, it is basically my heads way of not wanting to confront the continual edit of the novel I've already written and am trying to find agent support for. When the going gets tough, my head gets creative!
But at the moment, I can't complain as I'm two chapters in on the new book and pretty much loving it. Don't worry, in true Helen style, I'll be hating it in two weeks, maybe less. Ah the tortured soul of a writer, seeking perfection but so far from it that you even turn against yourself.
But seriously, its been a lot of fun. I'm really enthusiastic about it and no doubt I'll be asking my dear friend L to check it out. She's my guinea pig.

I feel I need a quick rant on Mad Men, the series taking the world by storm. Now, we are currently on series 2 and I like it, but let's not confuse awesome style and sexist bastards with being the best thing on TV. It is so overrated. There is mostly no plot, there is no extra level, even though they try to squeeze one in - Draper's relationship with his father, etc - but even when they do, I feel no empathy for the guy who sleeps with four or five women per episode, one of which might happen to be his wife.
I know why the guys are raving, it's their dream of an ideal world. Women subordinate again, knowing their place, doing as they're told. Urgh! It makes my skin crawl. Most of the time I sit there fantasising about which one I'm going to punch in the face, or probably more appropriately, kick in the balls.
I think for men, the idea of sitting around, doing frick all, sipping bourbon all day and wearing awesome little suits, is such a lure that they don't give a crap what is actually going on. And that is fine! Of course. But I'd just like to know how a cigarette is the answer to everything. Someone dies.....have a cigarette. Your having an affair with three other women......doesn't matter, have a cigarette. You lose your job....heck, there's always a cigarette.
And breathe!
Apologies there, but I've been needing to do that for a while. I've probably offended loads of you that love the Mad Men, but hey, everyone's entitled to their opinion and I'm not going to stop watching it. And in a girly way, which doesn't happen for me very often. (For those of you who don't know me, I'm not a 'girly' girl at all) But oh my lord, some of the dresses are amazing. But if I had to become some slave to wear one, I think I'd stick to my jeans any day.

Ok, so lets move away from that. I kinda feel better now. You should also know I'm on the exercise front again, after not a great deal since the London Marathon 2010, which I really worked hard for and I'd never been so fit in my life. Well, things took a nose dive and I'm gaining podge again, but never fear, Helen's determination is here. I will not gain a clothes size. no! I will remain a size 10 and I will look bloody good when I'm a bridesmaid in July. Eek, might have to lose the jeans then. Ha ha.
So I've been working out and going for a run and stuff and I've done 4 work outs in the last 8 days. It's annoying though that to counteract my months of comfort eating, related to working with an evil witch and stressing about the book, it's gonna take more than a week of working out. He he. Does anyone else feel like it should be instantaneous? Like the moment you start to work out, you should literally see the difference? You should literally see the fat dropping off? No? That's just me. Ah well. I can dream!

Eek, Have to leave for work in approximately 23 minutes and am still sat in my pyjamas. I will flitter off and return soon.

Have a decent middle of your working week!

Ciao for now.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Home made burgers, home made chips, wine, chocolate and Eurovision.

So, whilst the interval is going on, I'm gonna start my Eurovision rant.
Well, firstly I'd like to say, well done to all 25 Countries for keeping me ranting and mostly entertained, though the cider and vino could've had something to do with it.
Well, needless to say, I had my notepad with me throughout, so I have a rundown of each of the 25 Countries and my comments. I will try to keep it brief, I promise.

1 Finland. Well, the word wholesome came to mind straight away. He'd clearly never been touched. I think he needs a good f**k personally, then maybe he'd sing a bit better and write better songs.
2 Bosnia-Hertzgovina. Pretty darn terrible and Old guy were my only comments here.
3 Denmark. Could've been good, but then turned out a bit cheesy pop.
4 Lithuania. Slightly melodramatic music theatre number, but unpredictable and pretty good voice.
5 Hungary. How old are you? Plus her voice was flat as ken, and Ken is flat.
6 Jedward. I don't think we need many comments here. Although I think s**t but good pretty much covers it.
7 Sweden. My first thought was 'Oh my God that guy is ridiculously attractive.' but then he started to sing and with a chorus like Popular, oh dear lord. His attractiveness suddenly plummeted!
8 Estonia. Scary costumes, scary face and a sharp voice. Altogether, not good!
9 Greece. He he.  What the f**k? The Greek Eminem?
10 Russia. Jolly dancers. Loves himself and quite frankly, NO!
11 France. Bored now and brush your hair you scruffy bastard!
12 Italy. Good intro. Nice braces. Sexy out of breath voice. the only downfall was the balls grabbing moment at the end. But as half of my household is Italian, I was very proud.
13 Switzerland. Tinkly, wet, flat, shit!
14 United Kingdom. I was actually pleasantly surprised by this. Well done Blue. They really tried very hard!
15 Moldova. Crazy hats. Cone heads. The random unicycle woman was unnecessary, but I have to say I voted for the crazy rocking smurfs. Ha ha.
16 Germany Sexy lady. Silver condoms for backing dancers. Not a bad song but a weak voice.
17 Romania. Creepy guy. 70's throw back. Shit!
18 Austria. Shocking song but the girl can freakin' sing! Amazing voice!
19 Azerbijan. My first comment was, Are they even in Europe? Then I realised that the probably gay guy was about 10 years younger than the woman, crazy cradle snatcher. Lovely wind machine but they really needed to learn to sing in tune.
20 Slovenia. Christina Aguilera wannabe, but she was actually really really good. The girl could wail! Though she couldn't dance for toffee.
21 Iceland. This was actually really cute. I dug the waistcoats and the chubby singer was very sweet!
22 Spain. Happy Spaniards. She can't dance for shit and has really annoying backing dancers that I kinda wanted to punch in the face.
23 Ukraine. Cool sand art but it sort of detracted from the rubbish song and bad outfits. So on second thoughts, that was a good thing.
24 Serbia. Austin Powers, 60's fun.
25 Georgia. A bit ropey in the verse but nice and rocky and quite shockingly good.

Well hopefully that wasn't too painful to go through. now I am getting more and more frustrated with the fact that the top two are the two I hated the most! Ah well. Blue and Jedward had a good go and we didn't come last so that's the main thing.
100 points for the UK. Well Done! 119 for Jedward. Good try!

Well as usual, the political voting worked against us, as we have no friends. But well done also to Italy who came second after a 14 year absence from the competition. I was actually surprised how much I enjoyed that.

Well, I'm signing off for now, with the strange news that I became a member of Twitter tonight, so I can now tweet. I'm becoming tech savvy-ish. Can you believe it? Helen is stepping into the 21st century. Ha ha.

Have a fabulous rest of the night.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Pigeons and headphones

So, I've been wondering today, just what percentage of our lives are spent unravelling headphone cables?
I swear, even though I carefully wrap them around my Ipod, when they're in my bag lazing the day away, they're actually plotting against me. What could make Helen's day worse? Ha ha ha. Let's just knot ourselves up and really p**s her off. Or something along those lines.
As I left work, it must have taken me a good two minutes to unravel them and the more annoyed I got, the more tangled they became. It seems like the key to it all is keeping calm. You have to pretend like you don't care. Or maybe even just shove one ear in anyway and leave the rest tangled, as an up yours to the headphones. Or I guess we could just act like sane people and realise the headphones aren't actualy plotting against us and it's simply a case of too many wires.

Speaking of plotting against me, the pigeons are back. We bought special,magical,pigeon-dispelling tape, which is essentially silver freakin' paper and it seemed to have worked for a while. But the Kentish Town pigeons are clever and they've realised that it isn't an animal moving around, its nothing to be scared about and it is in fact just shiny paper. So they returned making that God awful noise they make, waking me up at ridiculous o'clock, when they know I have no chance of going back to sleep. It's like they're daring each other to wait it out, playing a game of chicken on the balcony. I think they actually get a buzz out of making me get out of bed to clobber on the window and shoo them away. Stupid, useless, head bobbing animals!


Well, on a lighter note, the first full working week for some time has raced by and its almost the weekend. And one of my little kiddie winkles at work today told me I was a 'funny girl', which was sweet. Oh I probably should mention for those of you that don't know me, that I work as a pre-school teacher with 2-5 year olds, which is..................Well, let's just say there's never a dull moment. And also I am a writer of young adult fiction and am currently working on my debut novels. Although today I got another story idea, which disrupted everything, but you can't switch your head off, no matter how much you wish you could sometimes. You've gotta take what it gives you when it does and just hopefully mold it into something useful. So that's what I'll be attempting to do over the next few days. There really is no rest for the wicked!

Happy Friday for tomorrow!


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Two Two Twosday

Ahhhh, the warm weather hath descended once more and travelling has become.......interesting.
The underground is pretty much turning into a PE class with everyone stripping to their vest and panties (or at least wishing they could).Womens' boobs press up against your arm. An elbow dangles two millimetres from your cheek and a sweaty pit lurks in the corner. You know if the train jerks just slightly that pit is gonna be in your face. Pleasant image, I know. But one you have to be prepared for.  
 And of course the tourists are descending by the plane load, and they all seem to get off at my stop and then loiter around the entrance/exit. I would like to know how people can possibly think that congregating around the place where people are supposed to get in and out is a valid place to wait? And then they get annoyed when you have to push past them. I mean, come on, some of us have to get to work. Bloody tourists. They're almost as bad as kids, worse even. They get under your feet and in your way and they haven't got a clue where they're goin' or what they're doin'.
Speaking of kids. As I approached the tube station this morning, I saw a class full of primary schoolers, probably 8 or 9 year olds, all in their stylish high vis jackets. I panicked! Oh God, they're all gonna be on the tube. I have to get to get there before them. So I power walked across the road, trying to overtake as many as I could, and then it turned out they were gettin' a bus anyway. Ha ha.

Until next time.......

Monday, May 9, 2011

The first one.

Well, whoever thought that 'pen and paper' Helen, would ever have a blog? My comment on most technology is, 'I don't get it.' My boyfriend literally has to force me into anything technological and I usually hate him for it. If I could be left with a life supply of paper and pens, I would be the happiest little cherub ever. I pretty much keep Royal Mail in business, as I refuse to stop writing letters and sending parcels. Though I have to say my biggest downfall is internet shopping, which I do get! Well, technology has to come in handy sometime, right?

Anyhoo, a bit about myself. Hmmmm. I'm from up north, thus the title, from Wigan to be precise, but I currently live in the big smoke, and despite my stubborness regarding moving here (18months spent alone in Manchester whilst my boyfriend lived in London and I refused to go...he he. I will not be rushed!) I actually love it! Yes, little Helen loves the big city.

Perhaps I love it for the automony. Or for the anonymity.  No one knows who you are, no one cares who you are and you can pretty much exist without exsiting. And for a person like me, who hates the fact that when I visit home and I see people I know, I'm still the overweight geek from school; in London you can be anyone, wear anything, be the person that everyone stares at, or be the person who blends into the background and is never noticed. But you can also reinvent yourself, daily if necessary, and be the person you want to be at any one space in time.

Labels are rarely used as lines and boundaries are blurred, though one lable that does stick is the 'Shoreditch type'. It's all huckleberry Finn and picnics by the river, wearing scruffy clothes and trying to make it look like you didn't make an effort, when it's obvious that what you're wearing is about £500 a pop. But enough about annoying rich people...........

I should probably drag myself off the couch and start to get ready for work. Ah, work, this will be the source of most of my bitter rants, I'm sure. But I figured I'd lead you in gently. Don't want to scare people off with the first one.

Anyhoo, Happy Monday.
Let's hope the day goes quickly.