It's All About The Build Up

I have been known to fall asleep during the ten minutes where something actually 'happens' in a film; or get bored during the battle but thoroughly enjoy the events that have led up to that battle or event. It happens a lot in in Statham films and to be fair, most action films because that fifteen minute car chase or ten minute shoot out is the least significant point for me. It's the build up that matters; the relationships along the way; the way the characters interact; guessing the plot before it happens and the eventual outcome that may or may not involve love or two characters eventually getting together; or the baddies getting their comeuppance or the goodies prevailing.

I feel this way sometimes in books. The first 300 pages can completely grip me, but those last fifty where the battle happens or the outcome is reached, somehow lose me. I crave the build up. I crave that eternal struggle, where anything is still possible; where the characters are still pushing towards something, against something, where the ending can still be re-written; a never ending crescendo of poignant events, cliff hangers, injustice and more often than not, pain. 

I find this can also relate to times of the year and significant events and festivals. Quite often it's the preparation more than the actual day that prove the most enjoyable. For instance, Christmas - unless you are between the ages of 3 and 12 - is all about build up. It's about that Christmas shopping; stressing out over who to buy what for; taking in a mulled wine whilst exploring a Christmas market and wrapping things up. It's about baking and the smells of cinnamon and ginger. It's about decorating the house and seeing as many people as you possibly can before the big day and it's about opening that window on your advent calendar every morning. (Yes I am thirty and have an advent calendar. What's your problem?)

But the day itself is just presents, food and drink and television. It's not a life changing, earth shattering day. It's just a day that is hyped up more than others and I find new year just the same. Yes it's fun to think about the new year and what it will bring but the night itself is always a let down. Does anyone really do what they want to do? Are you ever with all the right people? Is it ever this miraculous night where elephants dance on clouds and hyenas speak in deep voices whilst kangaroos eat lemon cake? No. It's just a night where everyone stays up longer than usual; no one can send a text message and people decide to try and better themselves in odd ways usually relating to diet and fitness.

I sometimes wish that feeling of excitement for something to happen, that preparation and build up could continue; that you never quite reach the slightly disappointing goal but exist in that perpetual notion of working towards something.

It's the same with writing. Writing creatively is tough but so much fun. Creating things; inventing things and basically letting your imagination out of its shackles can be so liberating and rewarding. And as you write and re-write and evolve your characters and plot you really begin to feel that something substantial has happened; that you have something tangible from these bizarre thoughts and notions that have plagued you for months.

But its the next stage, when you have to send it to someone else in order to progress. It's all good and well to write something and only have your friend or colleague or partner read it but when you reach out of your cosy little bubble of support and love, to someone else, a stranger.......that's when things get a little tricky. That's when your mind decides to conjure up countless other ideas to delay what you feel will be an inevitable rejection. That's when you decide to find any excuse to not send a submission; and it's why after a whole year I haven't, because I've been editing and editing over and over again; interrupting the flow, stagnating the time and putting off that disappointment of the event.

Preparing a submission is like eating far too much and then feeling so uncomfortable for the rest of the day that all you can do is watch shit television and groan. And that's what I have to look forward to in the next couple of weeks. Because it is that time again. There are no more windows to open on the calendar; no more cocktail opportunities with friends (though actually that's not entirely true) no more presents to buy, no more build up left. This is the end of the crescendo, the fortissimo section with all the instruments playing at the same time. It's loud and chaotic and a little scary but maybe this time it won't be the disappointment I think it will. Maybe this time the big day will be just as thrilling as the preparation. And maybe just maybe it will also smell of cinnamon and ginger.

Rants

N. B Don't get me wrong, I love being with my family and friends at Christmas. I love roast dinner and Christmas pudding. I love the idea of Christmas Day being this magical day but I just don't feel it anymore. Adult hood knocks a lot out of you. Not only those things you were so sure of as kids, such as the existence of Father Christmas and the knowledge that it would snow at Christmas, but things like your relatives that would always be there and just aren't. The people that are no longer with us; the dwindling numbers around the table; wondering if that time is the last time you'll see someone. It's actually a hugely depressing time when more often than not you think about what you don't have or who you no longer have, rather than who you have left.

And New Year just means an extra number tacked on to your age, again not so fun. So whilst I may have lost sight of my original point and I may have bummed you all out; what I'm trying to say is: Just give me the build up any day.

Happy New Year

Rants