Eurovision 2014

Well, here it is at last. I've made you wait and I didn't even get to see the scoring myself. But here it is: Rants on Eurovision 2014.

Just so you know, I am writing this on a 6 hour train from Glasgow to London, after taking a 9 hour overnight bus to Glasgow and running the Bupa Women's 10km. Please forgive me if it's not my best work.

So we started off with a little film of the jumpy men taking lots of different modes of transport in order to reach the venue. Then we are treated to some flag acrobatics, with leaping and waving and weirdness.

Now I actually quite liked the walk on announcement thing, where they read out each act in the order they were performing, it allowed you to sift through and pick out the twats and morons. And the ice queens and She-ra. Plus there's nothing like a bit of Eurovision time wasting and prolonging.

I was just thinking to myself earlier in the day, wouldn't it be amazing if the lady from Borgen was presenting. Not that they would get a statesminister to do that, but still it would've been cool. And then who walks out? Kasper from Borgen, - Whoop! - a twiglet wearing a dress, and a lanky dude with glasses.

So without further ado, let's delve into the 26 acts.

Ukraine - Tick Tock.
Shoulda been called Hamster Wheel, surely? What made me laugh more was that A was sat at the side of me saying, "Oh, I didn't know you could get one of those. How cool would that be to run on if you had one in your house." Really? I thought it just made her look like some crazy dominatrix that was clearly in charge of her man. You get on that wheel and spin it, until I say you can stop. Evil woman.
She used the stroking your own boob move. A classic.
I have to say I was more intrigued by the hamster man and his moves than her shitty voice.
That was one violent wind machine, it practically blew her dress away.
When she got on the outside of the wheel towards the latter half of the song, I couldn't help but think: 'Go on, let go of the wheel. Make her fall off. Please.'

Belarus - Cheesecake
All those men appeared from one person. Freaky.
Manhattan skyline in lights.
Dad dancing, to the extreme!
I wish I had some cheesecake to throw at them.
They're not even trying. The choreographer should be shot, though to be fair so should the lyricist and any other writers that created this monstrosity.
And slide to the side. Step forward, step back.
Oh no, did he really do a fake kick the camera thing. Oh dear.

Azerbijan - Start a Fire
Well if she had - started a fire - it would have been much less dull.
The fake skin dress? Really? Closet ice dancer?
What a pointless trapeze artist. It would have been so much better if they collided, again, much less dull.
She really attempted to make it epic, but what she didn't take into account was her abundance of shitty notes and the fact that the audience had no clue what the song was about and didn't give a shit either.

Iceland - No Prejudice
LOVE!
Love the colours, the lyrics, everything.
Love the backing vocalists in their onesies.
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb etc.
Dance routine as well. Fuck, this is gold!
WINNER (in my eyes).

Norway - Silent Storm
I wish it had been a silent storm, then I wouldn't have had to sit through that. 
There was nothing going on behind his eyes.
BORING!
He really doesn't look like he wants to be there.
And I feel the song would have sounded better if sung by a woman.

Romania - Miracle
That's some receding hairline..
She looks like a cardboard cut-out. Oh, she sort of was, or some weird projection, as she then appeared at the other end of the stage. Creepy.
She's got a hand and arm dance routine, but he hasn't got a clue what he's attempting to play on the circular piano. What a twat.
Key change.
I have to say the chorus was pretty catchy and they were committed, or should that be rephrased to say, they should be committed? It's a fine line.

Armenia - Not Alone
'You're all alone.' Yeah, so what, look at you on the stage all alone, loser.
Another boring fuckin' ballad. Blah, blah, blah.
Boring costume, boring song, boring voice, boring staging, boring performance.
Are they the only words he knows in English?
Tried to make it interesting by shouting and the addition of fire. Still didn't help.

Montenegro - Moj Svijet
Ice skating lady, does that imply he's gonna slip? He's only got normal shoes on.
Pan out to find the ice skating lady asleep on the floor. I know how she feels.
Then she gets up and there's fire later. End of.

Poland - We are Slavic
This is so offensive. I'm not sure what is happening.
How many Polish people are wishing they weren't Polish right now? Just have a guess.
Sort of weird, screamy, rap thing.
Sluts are us, but it's alright: "This is our hot Slavic blood." Right.
Oh dear, the porno milk maids/butter churners are obscene.

Greece - Rise Up
Yeah, yeah, uh, come on, yeah.
It's embarrassing really.
Rise, rise, rise up etc, Just keep repeating the phrase, that'll win it for you.
Youth. I just don't get it.
Unnecessary trampolining, it's turned into a kids party.

Austria - Rise like a Pheonix
Drag act. Bearded lady/man.
Like it. Good voice, nice dress, nice staging, but the beard did freak me out a little bit. Sorry.
Incredible voice!
It's a bit Shirley Bassey.
Inevitable winner.

Germany - Is it right?
Well no, it's quite clearly not, is it?
And I think that's all we need to say about that.

Interlude. Erm, why did they stop after 12? There are 26 acts, surely it makes more sense to stop half way through at 13? No?

Lots of pricks in the audience tonight! Say what, Graham? I genuinely thought that's what he said. But it was actually, "Lots of Brits in the audience tonight." Eh, potato, potata.

I loved the shots of the audience as well, they were all completely wankered. They had no idea which act they were watching.

Resuming........

Sweden - Undo
She is in a tee pee of lights. I think she's been taken hostage, it's like some sort of prison. It's an illuminated prison. She'll be electrocuted if she tries to get out.
Or maybe not......
Oh, she's back in.
She can sing, though I hate that undo vocal lick she does. Deranged duck?

France - Moustache
Dr Suess haircuts and some 90's Bermuda shorts. I feel violated.
'I wanna have a moustache.' Well chop some of that hair off your head and stick it on, you've got plenty.
It's the Wiggles on speed.

Russia - Shine
See-saw. Holding a tube of perspex and joined by hair. I've always said twins are weird.
It's very abba.
Weeeeeee! You know they're dying to say, weeeeeeeeeeee! as they slowly move the see saw.
They had good voices and sang well, but it was a bit, meh.

Italy - La Mia Citta
She-ra. It's fuckin' She-ra. Man she's aged, and not in a good way. Where's He-man?
She's going for a along walk in those heels? Man that stage is large.
Now she's crawling on her hands and knees, giving more knicker sighting opportunities.
She did a lot of shouting. I feel like I should be in the naughty corner.

Slovenia - Round and Round
There's no way she's playing that flute.
Wicked Witch of the West? With a flute instead of a Broomstick? Wicked flashbacks. Oh god no!
That floor would seriously mess with your head.
Pointless flute interludes. She just wanted everyone to know she plays a flute. Okay, we get it.

Finland - Something Better
Quite like it. Sounds like something that would be in the UK charts, you know, like a normal song that could actually exist beyond the twisted insanity of Eurovision.
Like his voice, though I know it sounds like lots of other songs. Still, they're all playing their own instruments. Nice!

Spain - Dancing in the Rain
Get her an umbrella or a mac or something. She'll catch her death out there.
Her teeth scare me.
The chorus is shite!
Well, it didn't take long to get her hair done. Just wet it, it'll look like it's really raining.
Yeah I can see why you only came fifth in the X-factor.
The only lyrics are Dancing in the Rain, which coincidentally is the title of the song. Clever that isn't it.

Switzerland - Hunter of Stars
Now if that's not a book title, I don't know what is. Mine! I claimed it.
Creepy whistler.
Would you buy a used car from any of these men?
The banjo guy has an insane beard/moustache combo.
What a bunch of hillbillies.
"Tonight I'm gonna eat you up." Cannibals! Ahhhh! Run!
"Roar like a lion." "I am so wet and dirty."
I'm not sure where he's going with this..........
Beating the shit out of those drums. careful, you'll put someone's eye out.

Hungary - Running
He doesn't strike me as the kind of guy who would wear a cardigan. 
Those are some bushy eyebrows.
Oh, I get it, he ran on stage and the song's called Running. Man that's some clever symbolism.
It's a bit serious subject matter for Eurovision. Presumably the woman is trying to escape the abusive dance partner/daddy figure. Let her go for fuck's sake.

Malta - Coming Home
It's all a bit wholesome and nice.
I'm not sure what this is, but I don't think they do either. Still, at least they're all smiling.

Denmark - Ciche Love Song
I wanna punch him in the face.
The dancer guy has weird legs that flip around everywhere, independent of the rest of his body.
I can't deal with this.
What is it with tuxes this Eurovision? Though he needs to get some trousers that fit.
There's a lot of hair on that stage.

The Netherlands - Calm After the Storm
Cute. The outfits, the staging, their voices. I like it.
Feels a tad out of place, but a real stand alone song. Sweet.

San Marino - Maybe
May-be. It's all one word love.
Aww bless her, she's really trying. And she can sing. It's just not very interesting.
Oh no, now she's talking at me, and now she's gone all musical theatre on me.

United Kingdom - Children of the Universe
I'd never heard this before. But go Molly.
Eek, I hope this gets better.
She's got a lovely voice but that first bit was too low.
Lovin' the drummer and the backing vocalists are awesome.
That was pretty good, well done UK.

Yeah, back to skinny, wooden woman. I'm scared of her arms, they're like Madonnas.
Awww, I can't believe they actually thanked Graham and completely embarrassed him. He was proper flummoxed.

Now I didn't get to see a great deal of the middle bit or the scoring, due to a pressing urge to take a long overnight coach journey to Glasgow for a 10km run. So it's probably best I leave it there. I hope you enjoyed Eurovision. It really is a feast for the eyes and ears. *cough cough*
But as a special treat, I will leave you with some bonus material: a review of 7 acts that didn't get into the Grand Final. Check them out on youtube, there are some absolute stinkers.

The Best of the Worst:
Portugal
Man or woman?
You're not an ice dancer, so why are you wearing the fake skin dress, which coincidentally does nothing for you. Nothing about this works. A was conviced; Transvestite.

Lithuania
Trying to be a bit metal/alternative and wearing a PVC Tutu thing. Looks like they'd just taken a trip to Cyberdog.
Completely irrelevant dancer who kept sticking his hands, and all sorts of body parts, between her legs.

Belgium
Mummy issues.
Fat dude with girl voice.
Boring and possibly disturbing......though the irrelevant dancer in the background almost made me wet myself.
Psychologists may want to study the lyrics of this one. Jeez.

Moldova
Vikings/Game of Thrones/Horizontal man. Another very low song for a woman.
Don't mess with her, she will gut you.
Let's face it, she's no Daenerys. (GOT reference.)
I've noticed how much they pull a Katy Perry - theatrics to distract from the awful song/lyrics.
I pull my bobble out for the last chorus. Don't miss that.

Latvia
It's actually called Cake to Bake.
Two guys with guitars who just want to be your friends.
Now there are four and they have shakers and there's a chubby lass wearing a stripy dress.
We're all jolly and nice and colourful.
"We've got a cake to bake. I got no clue at all." Clearly not.
Oh my god, it's a musical recipe for retards.
Watch out for the genius backing vocals: Piece of cake.
(Apologies for the R word, I don't like it anymore than you do, but if you see this performance, you'll understand why there was no other possible word to describe it.)

Estonia
Lying on the floor holding hands. You can see my knickers if you like?
"Do you hear me screaming?" Yes, unfortunately, we all do.
More about their ability to dance than anything else. You'll yawn through this one.

Albania
Constipated expression.
A said: "A fat Lilly Allen who sings like Shakira."
Constricted. Everything vocal is happening in a tiny space.
Leanne Rhimes flashback. Late 90s/early 00s female ballads.
Guitar solo in an attempt to claim cool points. Failed.
A weird looking Christina Ricci?

Okay, so that was your bonus material. Ha ha. Hope you enjoyed this year's coverage. Better late than never, I'm hoping. I have no idea of the scoring, other than the bearded lady won, of course.

Thanks for reading. Until next year's Eurovision.........
Rants